Are you ready for Valentine’s Day? Do you have your scythe sharpened and ready to wield? You don’t? Well, if you hurry, you can still hustle down to Home Depot and find a scythe in time. Or perhaps your local Guillotines-R-Us store has a few portable guillotine models left in stock.
I know, we all get wrapped up in buying Valentine costumes, carving Valentine rutabagas, going door-to-door singing Valentine carols, and building adorable pink snowmen enacting romantic scenes from the Titanic.
So it’s easy to forget the true meaning of Valentine’s Day.
Which is, of course, the decapitating of people who are kind to others.
Yep, you heard that right. The original Saint Valentine was a priest (or bishop) named Valentine who was jailed for helping Christians. While he was jailed, he cured the jailer’s daughter of blindness. So naturally, he was beheaded for his services. On February 14.
That unlucky Valentine signed his final note to the no-longer-blind young woman “Your Valentine,” thereby cursing all future generations of misguided young lovers to their annual February rite of heartbreak and doom.
Sure, you could go with the boring, uninspired sharing of chocolates or flowers with your loved ones on Valentine’s Day. But really, there are only so many times you can watch When Harry Met Sally, The Notebook, or Bridget Jone’s Diary before you begin to hear the siren call of scythes, am I right?
Maybe this is the year you change up your Valentine’s routine. Instead of spending six bucks on a card, thirty bucks on wilted flowers from the grocery store, and a hundred bucks or more on overpriced calzones at the local pizzarama, try something new. Dim the lights, light a candle or two, pour a couple glasses of your favorite bubbly beverage, then lean over and whisper seductively into the ear of your true love:
“I love you so much, I sharpened my biggest blade for you.”
I promise. We’ll all say very nice things about you after your execution.
Happy Valentine’s Day. And I mean that from the bottom of my hard, twisted, sinister heart.
[Photo by Prometheus 🔥 on Unsplash]
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