Welcome to 2024, a shiny new year full of promise and good intentions and definitely not heinous deceptions. Like you, I’m positive this is the year eight billion people will suddenly and inexplicably—all prior evidence to the contrary—morph into rational, caring, kind human beings. I hope I bought the right shoes for the occasion. Anyway, to make sure I do my part in this miraculous transformation of the human race, here are my New Year’s Resolutions. If you’re having trouble coming up with meaningful resolutions, feel free to adopt mine as your own. I’m generous that way.
- Don’t tell anyone they’re stupid to their face.
- Don’t say it behind their back, either.
- Warm myself deep inside with the secret, delicious knowledge that somehow, somewhere, their stupidity will be the cause of their own spectacular downfall.
- Perfect a knowing smirk.
- Lower my expectations of society, government, and Netflix.
- Nope, even lower than that.
- Erect a small, tasteful memorial to my patience, which finally expired last year after a long, painful decline. (I’m thinking a single silk rose, a regret-scented candle, and a 50-gallon barrel of old-vine zinfandel. Too much?)
- Embrace my new personal motto: “Slapping people is not an effective re-calibration strategy.”
- Spread joy.
- Eat more leafy greens.
That’s it. Ten easy steps to a better year. Good luck! (We’re gonna need it.)
P.S. Bonus resolution: Try not to burn down the world with New Year’s sparklers.
[Photo by Ian Schneider on Unsplash]
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